Contradiction in Terms

I bet you're fed up of hearing about my vaccination dilemma...
If so, take heart in the fact you're almost certainly not as fed up as I am of thinking about it!
However, I feel like we've finally reached a decision I'm happy with: BB will be vaccinated tomorrow, on the advice of my doctor (I guess I just needed to hear it from someone whose medical opinion I respect), with the adjuvant-free vaccine.
The doctor said there was absolutely no need for him to have the adjuvant-free version, but that he would write me a special dispensation anyway, "because it's you".
I smiled gratefully, hoping to hit the right balance between coy and respectable.
Proof once again that here in the south of France, it always pays to wear a short dress when dealing with the male species...

Emerging from the physical and pyschological fog of the past 2 weeks, I am amazed and shaken at my ability to worry about an issue that really just required a quick, sensible decision. I thought I was getting better at this "pragmatism" lark, but recent events have proved otherwise.
What intrigues me most is that, though I worry intensely about certain things, I am fearless when it comes to others. The dividing factor is obvious: control.
I don't worry about anything I have a degree of control over; I go into a fit of anguish about things I can't control.

BB has a book called Am I Scary?
The first five pages of the book show various insects and slimy creatures that are "not scary", with the cheery incitation "Touch me, I'm not scary!"
But, just when you're feeling quite brave, out of the last page pops a big hairy spider, who cackles "I AM scary!"
If I apply this very intellectually profound approach to myself, then, what do I find?

Giving birth: not scary
Driving alone to Bordeaux with a 4-week old baby: not scary
Travelling through Siciliy on my own at 18: not scary
Moving alone to a foreign country at 22: not scary
Being a passenger on a plane: SCARY
Trusting someone I don't know to vaccinate my son: SCARY

I tell you, it all comes down to control. And trust.
And the fact that I must have a huge ego if I presume that anything I have control over will work out just fine...

I think that's more than enough physchological insight for one post.
If you've got this far, thank you for listening.
Now that that's out of my system, I'm hoping I'll be able to crawl back into the land of the living and start to appreciate the present again.