The Wife, The Mother and Me

Last night I speed-read a book entitled "Le Conflit, la femme et la mère" by a French sociologist called Elisabeth Badinter. (Speed-reading, like speed-cooking or speed-shopping or speed-showering, are just the techniques we mothers use in order to cram the basics into a too-short 24 hour day...). Basically, the book is about the new post-feminist wave of "naturalism": i.e. a return to the idea that women should set aside their role as individuals (at least temporarily) and devote 100% of their time and effort to their kids, once they have made the decision to have children.
Badinter refutes the intelligence of this idea, but nevertheless points out - very convincingly - just how widespread it is becoming in the year 2010. And it's true: I see evidence of this "return to nature and maternity" all around me.


Women are increasingly pressured to breastfeed (whereas, 10 years ago, the decision to breastfeed was presented as a choice; these days, formula milk is stigmatised and mothers who opt not to breastfeed are perceived as slightly selfish, or lacking the famous maternal instinct...); more and more women are choosing to stop working (fine if it really is a choice: not fine if it's due to outside pressure) to bring up their kids; home births are all the rage; epidurals are bad, bad, bad and prevent mothers from truly bonding with their baby; the psychological well-being of babies and kids has become a source of immense concern... requiring that a sizeable chunk of the mother's time and energy be devoted to it.

Badinter argues that, since women now choose when and how to have kids, they feel they have a certain debt to pay towards the child who "didn't ask to be born"... and must therefore dutifully fulfil the role of perfect mother for as long as it takes. And despite the pitfalls, frustrations and sacrifices involved.

I know what a can of worms this is, and I want to stress that I'm not advocating one or the other viewpoint. I don't think there's a "right" answer to the way maternity should be approached. But I do get a bit niggled when I witness the attitude of "voluntary submission to our kids" that I see happening more and more. When I hear about the virtues of a home birth without pain relief, I can't help thinking that it's easy for my generation to be blasé about science and medicine... because we've never lived through a time when women frequently died in childbirth.
Likewise, a generation ago, formula milk was seen as progress, because it allowed mothers some freedom: many of us grew up drinking formula milk and, for the most part, well, we seem to be doing OK. Now, suddenly, it's akin to drugs in a bottle...

OK, this is a VAST subject and I realise that whatever points I make here will be too superficial, but if anyone feels like continuing the debate with me, then feel free.

I just have one final thought: I am by no means a career-minded, convenience food, pack-the-kids-off-to-creche-with-a-light-heart kind of mother. And if the state offered me a year's maternity leave, I would happily take it.
But if, at the end of a day devoted mostly to looking after my kids, I have a couple of hours to myself: well, I would rather read a sociology book than chop up and mix vegetables for homemade purée. And I'd rather my baby slept in his own bed, so that I can take some time for myself, my husband, my brain, my enjoyment.

The shocking thing is, these days, that probably seems shocking to a lot of mothers...