One of the unexpected side effects of this long period of enforced bed rest has been the chance to discover the delights of a hereto unexplored universe: daytime TV.
No, no, don’t panic: of course I don’t spend all day in front of the box (I have other more important things to do with my time, like coughing, blowing my nose, hooking up to my oxygen machine…), but, if I ever start to feel a little bored, I am tempted to switch on for an hour or so.
Indulging in a stint of daytime TV feels almost as shamefully illicit as stealing sweets or making prank phone calls, to be honest, and I always feel the need to check no-one is watching me before I flick the switch (of course no-one is watching, I am home alone. But still).
Well, I had a vague idea of what went on between the hours of 2 and 6 pm, but what I witnessed this week seems more like a deliberate parody of my idea of daytime TV.
From 2 – 3 pm, France 2 broadcasts a “no trash” talk show (“Toute une histoire…”, presented by Jean-Luc Delarue), in which three ordinary people share their story in the longest, most drawn out way imaginable… and all without ever using a word of more than two syllables, as far as I can tell.
One day’s theme was “Friendship pushed to the extreme” (a particularly downtrodden-looking guy told how he got arrested for helping an illegal immigrant cross the border, just because a friend asked him to. “But, do you ask your friends to help you in return?” asked the (falsely) incredulous Delarue. “Of course,” replied our put-upon friend. “For example, if I need bread, like, and my friend is at the bakery, well, I’ll ring him up and ask him to get me a baguette.”
Another day, the topic was “People with a talent for fortune telling.” Delarue, who seemed frighteningly hyper and borderline drunk, in my opinion, begged the guests to tell him what his future held. “Well, Mr Delarue, I foresee a very bright future for you!” the lady in question said politely. “Oh yeah?! Really?!” exclaimed Delarue, bouncing up and down excitedly. “Tell me more!”
“Er, well, I foresee a major holiday…” said the guest, faltering. Now it was Delarue’s turn to falter. “What? Is that all?” he sulked.
I quickly grasped that the show relied heavily on “suspense”. So, every time Delarue asked a particularly crusty question, he would immediately hold up his hand and exclaim “Wait! Don’t answer that yet! Let’s take a moment to let the tension settle.”
There then followed a sort of 2-minute inane filler giving a 3-year old’s version of the topic of the day.
Well, after a couple of days of this, I began to feel I’d lost rather too many brain cells already. I rooted out a book – the first that came to hand – and settled it into it with relief. Really, reading anything at all (even the sports section of the local newspaper, I bet) is considerably more edifying than this daytime TV lark.
Honestly, it almost makes you want to phone the office and beg them to take you back, oxygen machine and all…
No comments:
Post a Comment