Pecking Order

Eldest child scenario:

Ten days after his chickenpox eruption, Eldest Child develops a big squishy lump at the back of his neck.
Maman discovers it by chance while stroking his neck absent-mindedly.
As her fingers brush over the lump, she pales, her heart thudding. Omigod. What can this be?? It's a lump. A lump. Oh no.
She prods, squeezes and pokes the lump until Eldest Child squirms in annoyance and - probably - pain.
"It's fine, it's fines," she lies, sweaty with anxiety. "It's nothing to worry about. But - um - we might have to go and see Dr Mazé tomorrow. You like Dr Mazé, don't you?"

Eldest Child hates Dr Mazé, and they both know this.

The next day is a bank holiday (evil, evil, badly timed bank holiday!), so they have to wait 48 hours before Dr Mazé can have his turn poking the lump.
During these 48 hours, Maman resists the temptation to whiz Eldest Child right down to Casualty and get the lump checked out. But only just.
As a reward for such constraint, she continues to prod and manhandle the lump at every opportunity - just to make sure that yes, it's still there.
Eldest Child wriggles and tries to get himself away from her prying fingers.

Finally, they huff and puff their way to the doctor's surgery - a military-style operation that requires a two-adult strategy of bike, car and child-swapping.

They sit, miserably, in the waiting room. And wait.

At last, they are ushered in to the doctor's surgery.
Eldest Child begins to scream in anticipation, and Maman monologues in a high-pitched voice about the lump and the Fear.
Doctor shushes her, has a quick feel of the lump while Eldest Child turns purple with anger, asks "when did he have chickenpox?", says "it's just a swollen gland. That always happens with kids after chickenpox".

Always happens with kids after chickenpox???
So - how come no-one ever thought to tell Maman this?
Why - when Eldest Child was brought in 10 days ago with chickenpox - did Doctor not think to add (breezily, as an after-thought, even): "oh, and by the way, a week from now, he's going to get a big swelling in his neck. But don't worry about it, it's perfectly normal."

Eldest Child and Maman flee and head home.
They are drained, relieved, cried out, pissed off.

Days later, Eldest Child is still preoccupied with his mysterious lump. Maman is cool again - laid back and unconcerned. But Eldest Child has understood the Fear.
He roots around for the lump.
"Moi, bobo.." he laments sadly.


Youngest Child Scenario:

A few days after the chickenpox starts, Youngest Child gets a lump in the back of his neck.
Maman discovers it one evening, as she absent-mindedly strokes his head.

"Oh yeah," she thinks absently, flicking over to the next page of the story they're reading, "that'll be a swollen gland."

End of story.


Tell me: is it any wonder we first-born kids are neurotic??